Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
