Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
a search helicopter?!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
3 2 1 whiskey
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
