I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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