Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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