Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
