I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
