so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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