I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
