you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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