You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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