Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
