The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
