I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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