you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
