Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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