I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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