mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
