I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
