I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
