Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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