I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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