i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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