Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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