i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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