Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We have started to decorate penises.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
