i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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