Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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