when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
