I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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