they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
