I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize