Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize