i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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