So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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