i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
