Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we made out on top of his cat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
