My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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