the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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