piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
