the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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