Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
