We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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