Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
