You're completely useless in the revolution.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
