Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
