i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
