i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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