I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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