Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
