I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
