forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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