The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize