I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
