If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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