You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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