first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
