I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize