There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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