So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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