cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
