You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
